Thursday, 14 June 2007
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Some reflections on having a third child
I'm finding myself getting angry with people who make blanket negative statements about hospital birth (or homebirth, or unassisted birth).
The reason is that when statements are made to the effect of, "women get railroaded in to accepting interventions" and "it's impossible to have a good natural birth in a hospital," it challenges my memory of my hospital birth. I had a great hospital birth. Nothing was done against my will. I declined the things I didn't want, and had no one kicking up a fuss. I didn't particularly feel like birthing unassisted. I wanted people to follow my labor support instructions, and follow they did. It was a wonderful recovery, and the only thing that would have made it perfect would be for me to be able to select my nurses (one of the nurses helping my recovery nurses was someone I didn't mesh well with). But the birth was awesome.
When I read stories and hear what some people have to say (I'm thinking particularly of a few UCers on a forum I'm on, not an IRL person), I feel like I'm supposed to feel crowded by the number of people in my room. I did put a limit on it. I decided I didn't want anyone else in there, and no one else came in. For the people that remained, I looked at who I wanted to look at, and closed my eyes when I wanted to focus on just me. It's hard to say this without it sounding negative, because for me, it wasn't. It was an incredibly powerful experience. When I pushed my son out, I was aware of everybody in the room being very interested in what was happening in that particular region of my body. But no one, NO ONE, was more interested in that than me. No one was more eager to see my baby than I was. I also felt a strong sense of being a Woman. I knew I had a big baby, I knew what I was feeling was him coming out, and I revelled in it. I pushed out that baby for everyone in that room to see. They got to see a powerful, strong woman bring forth a baby on her own terms. How awesome is that? My emotions at the time, and even now, are those of pride and a sense of strength. But reading certain people's extremely negative pronouncements about the presence at the birth is tampering with my memory, and that creates some really big feelings for me.
I tend to take what other people say at face value. When I'm in a vulnerable state (like, oh, say, the postpartum state), someone saying, "A woman cannot truly birth well with a typical hospital staff set up around her" leads me to think "Well, that wasn't my experience. But they say I couldn't have had a good birth. Is my memory wrong?" Of course my memory's not wrong. But I do know that sometimes, especially with birth memories, things happen that I don't remember in striking detail. However, the one thing I do know, is that I did it, and I enjoyed it, and it was great.
So things I'm noticing about having a third child:
1) I don't feel guilty if he cries for a second while I tend to the needs of an older child. He is expressing his displeasure, and that's fine. Sometimes life is tough and you have to wait. There are enough times that life is tough and you have to wait though, that I see absolutely no reason to force such times on him, and I do try to minimize them as much as possible.
2) His scent is very important to me. I'll wipe him down with a washcloth, but I haven't bathed him yet. I need his head to smell like baby...my baby.
3) I am absolutely unapologetic about not letting people hold him as much. He's mine. He's not community property, and I feel no compulsion to let people hold him upon request. And I don't feel guilty about it. :)
4) I am confident in my parenting. Why do I hold him all the time? He's little, he needs it, and I like it. He sleeps with us because it works for us. Doesn't work for you? Splendid. Feel free to not cosleep with your own kids, but for mine, it's perfect. I don't feel any need to justify my practices to anyone.
It's very freeing. :)
And here's my Number Three:
Come on, would YOU share him? ;)
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