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Monday, 18 February 2008

Yes, blogging again. But I broke my elbow, so typing will be limited to emoticons.

Sunday, 09 September 2007

Currently Watching
Rushmore
By Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Olivia Williams, Seymour Cassel, Brian Cox
see related
Nursing and stuff

The quick update---Daddy back at work, Ian off to school 3 days a week, and Henry, Oliver, and Mommy are trying to figure out this routine thing.
I'm just writing here. I had a thought, and here's everything that flowed from it, and as it is now 3:51am and I'm getting up with the boys tomorrow morning, I apologize for disjointed sentences, non sequiturs, typos, and bad grammar.

This incident: http://www.breastfeeding.com/forum/showthreaded.php?Number=1586015, triggered a national nurse-out. I developed a terrible headcold, and was unable to make the one in Wichita, but I was able to be at the home of the local organizer when the ABC affiliate interviewed her in advance of it last night.

        This of course sparked the usual discussion of whether a national event was necessary when it was one manager at one Applebee's in one city.
          The reason the nurse-out occurred in the first place is not the reponse of the Lexington Applebee's, although it was totally inappropriate. The reaction is to the asinine corporate response that they will consider keeping blankets on hand for nursing mothers to use. Such a response displays an obvious lack of any knowledge of breastfeeding other than it involves a breast.

My two immediate reactions to the idea of the restaurant keeping blankets:
1) Gross. I have no idea where their nasty blanket has been.

2) Breastfeeding is normal and appropriate. The person reacting so strongly to the knowledge or sight of a child breastfeeding is the one with the issue, not the nursing mom. No blanket necessary. Get over yourself, acknowledge that not being offended isn't a right, and avert thine eyes if it's going to cause issues.

        Invariably, discretion is brought up with much emphasis when nursing in public is discussed. It annoys me when it is automatically assumed that the nursing mom was flashing it around for everyone to see. Honestly, who does that?

         I have never known a nursing mom to "whip it out" and wave everything around for restaurant display. It's very common, very possible, and very normal for a woman to be discreet without a blanket. FWIW, I'm not particularly worried if someone sees a bit of breast doing its intended job. I am more concerned about the side and belly fat. ;)

          I, personally, have never used a blanket, and never will. It's hot, impractical, and a general PITA, not to mention my children won't tolerate it. Who enjoys eating with a blanket over their head? The only thing a blanket has ever done, in my experience, is wave a giant baby print flannel flag that screams "HEY! BREASTFEEDING HERE!" I think that defeats the purpose, don't you?

           It's important to note that the same people who shriek, "Use a blanket!" are often disturbed by the very idea of breastfeeding, regardless of the level of discretion. Heck, a good friend of mine was kicked out of the common breakroom at her work for breastfeeding under a nursing cover (like this one: http://www.growinglife.com/images/images-nursingacc/nursingcape.jpg). The only thing visible was the baby's hand, playing with her mother's chin. The next day, she brought a bottle and no one said a word. I think that's absolutely pathetic, and shows how totally screwed up our society is with regards to the subject of a child being fed.

Breasts and Sexuality

          More on the topic of breastfeeding and sexuality. The overwhelming majority of men I've interacted and spoken with, and specifically discussed this topic with, are not turned on or otherwise sexually aroused by the sight of a nursing mother. Nursing breasts are working breasts, not playing breasts. It's all about context.

           I'm an anatomy nut. I like Discovery Channel shows. PBS specials have never really bothered me. Should I ever get ahold of a full, leather-bound edition of Gray's Anatomy, I shall be a happy woman. I enjoyed Anatomy and Physiology lab. The cadaver lab taught me a ton about the human body. Body parts are fascinating.

          I must admit it. It was initially jarring to walk into the room and see a dead, naked man lying on the table. At the time, as a newlywed, I was very used to seeing the penis, but I was used to it in a sexual context. Not as simply part of a body. My natural tendency, upon seeing parts normally covered by clothes, is to avert my eyes. In the case of the lab, I had to stop, assess my surroundings, and change my mindset from the one that associates the penis with sex, to the mindset of "just another body part." It was okay for me to do that. It's okay for a man to do that in the presence of a breastfeeding mom.

Part of the kneejerk "augh" reaction is the superimposition of what is "supposed" to be sexual with the innocence of childhood. It makes sense, and I think it's actually healthy (the immediate disgust reaction of the idea of children and sexuality). I think it is, in part, the realization that the breasts they've just seen aren't turning them on like they're "supposed" to, which, in this society, is not looked at as very manly (What, boobs don't turn you on? Weirdo). It's asking a man to change his mindset from "breasts = sexy and for men" to "breasts = functional and for babies". That's a lot. But it is absolutely appropriate to require that mindset change of men. The hypersexualization of our culture is in large part, what has demeaned breastfeeding, and attempted to relegate public breastfeeding to the bathroom. God has done nothing wrong in the ordination of breastfeeding as the designed feeding method for children. The culture has made breasts as a primary part of sexuality so pervasive that it's hard to separate the two, but it must be done if we are to do what is biologically necessary for our children.

         Here's the deal. I know guys are usually turned on by breasts. I also know that they are not typically accustomed to seeing a breast with a baby latched onto it. I *know* this is initially unnerving. It's okay to be unnerved. The Breast as baby food is not part of the American male schema. I acknowledge this, but I do not, for one minute, accept that this means it is to remain that way. Breastfeeding must be normalized in our society. The only way to do that is to keep breastfeeding normally. That means, incidental skin happens, and moms would do well not to stress over it. The occasional flash of areola or nipple as my son unlatches and I pull my bra cup back over my breast is going to happen, and frankly, it's no big deal if someone catches an accidental glance.

         It is important to mention, since people's minds will go this direction, that this does not mean I'm saying don't take care to avoid exposing undue amounts of skin. I'm just saying that an accidental bit of breast in context is not a freakmeout sort of thing. According to my husband, who a) is a man, and b) does have some interest in sex (what, the 3 kids weren't enough of a clue?) nursing breasts are not a turn on, and he doesn't freak out or stress over a contextual and temporary flash of the aforementioned bits of skin.

         Breasts serve a dual purpose. First and foremost, they serve as the vehicle for nourishment and life for my children. Second, they are a vehicle for pleasure for my husband and myself to enjoy when we explore the completeness of our relationship. The sooner we, as a society, come to acknowledge and accept this, the sooner we will move forward.

         So gentle readers, if you happen to see a flash of nipple, a peek of areola, or the side of a breast, and your knee-jerk reaction is to think, "Ew--I don't want to see that in public," stop. Stop, and consciously change your mindset from "sexual body part" to "body part for kids". It can be done and it must.

         In a nutshell, grow up, get over it, and avert your eyes if you can't.

         To paraphrase and borrow a bit from Oliver Wendell Holmes, your right to swing your fist of "Ew, I'm offended" ends where mom and baby's bodies begin. Being squicked out by breastfeeding is your issue, not theirs.

Tuesday, 07 August 2007

I could update this more often.
I'm good. Recovering emotionally from a postpartum time from an unpleasant place. The first six weeks were great, the second were horrid, and once we hit 12 weeks, things have smoothed out.
The baby's wonderful and cute and cuddly, the older boys love him to bits (so much so we have to ask them to stop loving on him so darn much and let him breathe), and we're about to send Daddy back off to school for another year. Ian is going to school for the first time, too. I have such mixed feelings. I'm frankly amazed I have a kid old enough to go. LOL

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Some reflections on having a third child

I'm finding myself getting angry with people who make blanket negative statements about hospital birth (or homebirth, or unassisted birth).

The reason is that when statements are made to the effect of, "women get railroaded in to accepting interventions" and "it's impossible to have a good natural birth in a hospital," it challenges my memory of my hospital birth. I had a great hospital birth. Nothing was done against my will. I declined the things I didn't want, and had no one kicking up a fuss. I didn't particularly feel like birthing unassisted. I wanted people to follow my labor support instructions, and follow they did. It was a wonderful recovery, and the only thing that would have made it perfect would be for me to be able to select my nurses (one of the nurses helping my recovery nurses was someone I didn't mesh well with). But the birth was awesome.
When I read stories and hear what some people have to say (I'm thinking particularly of a few UCers on a forum I'm on, not an IRL person), I feel like I'm supposed to feel crowded by the number of people in my room. I did put a limit on it. I decided I didn't want anyone else in there, and no one else came in. For the people that remained, I looked at who I wanted to look at, and closed my eyes when I wanted to focus on just me. It's hard to say this without it sounding negative, because for me, it wasn't. It was an incredibly powerful experience. When I pushed my son out, I was aware of everybody in the room being very interested in what was happening in that particular region of my body. But no one, NO ONE, was more interested in that than me. No one was more eager to see my baby than I was. I also felt a strong sense of being a Woman. I knew I had a big baby, I knew what I was feeling was him coming out, and I revelled in it. I pushed out that baby for everyone in that room to see. They got to see a powerful, strong woman bring forth a baby on her own terms. How awesome is that? My emotions at the time, and even now, are those of pride and a sense of strength. But reading certain people's extremely negative pronouncements about the presence at the birth is tampering with my memory, and that creates some really big feelings for me.

I tend to take what other people say at face value. When I'm in a vulnerable state (like, oh, say, the postpartum state), someone saying, "A woman cannot truly birth well with a typical hospital staff set up around her" leads me to think "Well, that wasn't my experience. But they say I couldn't have had a good birth. Is my memory wrong?" Of course my memory's not wrong. But I do know that sometimes, especially with birth memories, things happen that I don't remember in striking detail. However, the one thing I do know, is that I did it, and I enjoyed it, and it was great.

So things I'm noticing about having a third child:
1) I don't feel guilty if he cries for a second while I tend to the needs of an older child. He is expressing his displeasure, and that's fine. Sometimes life is tough and you have to wait. There are enough times that life is tough and you have to wait though, that I see absolutely no reason to force such times on him, and I do try to minimize them as much as possible.
2) His scent is very important to me. I'll wipe him down with a washcloth, but I haven't bathed him yet. I need his head to smell like baby...my baby.
3) I am absolutely unapologetic about not letting people hold him as much. He's mine. He's not community property, and I feel no compulsion to let people hold him upon request. And I don't feel guilty about it. :)
4) I am confident in my parenting. Why do I hold him all the time? He's little, he needs it, and I like it. He sleeps with us because it works for us. Doesn't work for you? Splendid. Feel free to not cosleep with your own kids, but for mine, it's perfect. I don't feel any need to justify my practices to anyone.

It's very freeing. :)

And here's my Number Three:

Come on, would YOU share him? ;)

Sunday, 13 May 2007

And then there were 5...

I'm a mommy again! I wrote this a few days after Ollie was born:

Oliver McKinstry was born Wednesday, May 2nd, at 8:13pm. He weighed 10lbs, 2oz, and is 20.5 inches.

Birth story: Nutshell Edition--

The labor was very quick. I started contracting as we were leaving my OB's office from my 39 week check up (at which my fundal height measured 47cm--woohoo! LOL), and he said he'd head home and wait for my call. That was about 4:45. I remember standing at the appointment desk on the way out, while DH and the receptionists worked out an appointment time, saying, "This is completely stupid. I won't be pregnant next week. Really."

We swung by the chiropractor for a quick adjustment (my hips had some problems this pregnancy), and headed to Sonic to get a burger because I was hungry and didn't want to labor hungry. Few things annoy me more.

My water broke in the parking lot at Sonic (in DH's shiny new car ) and we got our burgers and went home. Contractions really picked up and I didn't have time to eat it (that was fun, saying between contractions that I was so $%^^&! hungry but not wanting to eat because I knew I'd want to puke during contractions). I called a doula friend in TN, and she helped me through contractions for a while. It was so good to talk to her.

We got to the hospital birth center about 7:15, and--the only fly in my ointment--answered asinine questions including a 3 page questionnaire detailing my latex sensitivity ("What's that? You're latex sensitive? Here, fill this out."), and got to the room a little after 7:30. My time at the Asinine Question desk was probably helpful, as I was able to labor standing while receiving counterpressure from my mother (my doula met us there when I got to the room). On the way to my room, the only question I remember being asked by the charge nurse was "Are you planning on an iv/saline lock?" I answered no, and she said, "Okay." She never even mentioned rating my pain or pain medication.

I consented to be checked, and was found to be 4.5cm, 95% effaced, and baby at -2. That was annoying. I kept thinking that I was feeling way too transitiony to be only that far along, especially with my membranes ruptured, but at the same time, the knowledge of my status gave me the time to get my head in a better place. I'd been concentrating on how much it was hurting and how hungry I was in between, and feeling rather whiny about it. I took a deep breath, and reframed my labor pains. At only 4cm, I could try actual labor coping techniques, rather than just hanging on and getting through it like I had with my second birth, and it meant (or so I thought), that my labor was going to be slow enough for me to get on top of these contractions.

I labored on the bed for a while, and knew, because I was telling my mother to move her counterpressure down lower with each contraction, that the baby was descending. The nurse suggested the tub, I agreed, and my doula, mom, and DH moved to help me in that direction. I stood up, and pretty much started pushing involuntarily (twice) from there. Nurse checked again, and said, "Um, his head's right there." My OB walked in right then. They hadn't paged him afrer my initial check, but he said he thought it'd be a good idea to come in, since he had written orders that I was to have no residents or interns (he said he didn't trust them with me LOL). Knowing his arrival was imminent was excellent information for me. As soon as I heard that I was excited to push (I'd been very afraid of it with my second birth--it was so fast I never had time to prepare), and was very much looking forward to meeting my son. It felt really good to push, and about 4 pushes later, my beautiful boy was out. DH caught him and handed him to me, and we fell in love. It was 8:13pm, less than 45 minutes after I'd been told I was only 4.5cm. The placenta came out around 8:26--the OB thanked me the next day for showing him that a placenta could indeed come out without anyone touching it. It's not very big around, but it's very thick....and heavy. The staff put it in the fridge without batting an eye, and we brought it home with us with no hassle.

He's beautiful! The nurse and my doula put me in the jacuzzi tub right afterwards, and Oliver came with me. He nursed pretty quickly after that. The child was born to nurse--he's a total pro. We stayed two days, and our experience was great. We're home, recuperating, and adjusting to life as a family of 5.

It was so interesting to me to see the mix of my doula self with my birthing mama self. I'm still processing it, but I am satisfied with my experience.

I voiced my desires and they were immediately respected. It was my birth and was facilitated at my direction.

I feel seriously powerful.

5/12/07:
I've been doing a little more processing, and I am very satisfied with how everything went. I knew there'd be Asinine Question Desk going into it, and wasn't stressed about the time it took. I knew it would give me time to labor standing, which was comfortable for me. I wasn't upset about the vag exam. I expected it, and I'm a numbers kind of girl. I like knowing the details. Hearing my exact status gave me time to stop my thought pattern and change it to facilitate my son's birth instead of getting stuck in it.

I made my needs and wishes known, and they were met and followed immediately and without question. It gave me great pleasure to hear a friend (and UCer herself) refer to it as an unhindered birth in the hospital. I feel that's an accurate description.

The only person hindering my birth at any point was me, and through calling out to God and the resulting clear thinking, I sorted myself out and allowed it to happen as it needed to.

It was a clear, straightforward, no-nonsense sort of birth. Very cut (only there were no cuts ) and dry sort of experience. After my first birth, I felt exhilarated. After my second, I felt deflated and crushed by the power of the experience. After this birth, I feel quietly confident and contented.